On the run with Kingers...

I was doing well until the girl I was talking to at the bar got kicked out for brawling. That was around 1 AM. When I woke up alone the next morning, I felt great... which is the first bad sign. Time is of the essence. As the old pro, Kingsley Amis, once wrote: "...if you do not feel bloody awful after a hefty night then you are still drunk, and must sober up in a waking state before hangover dawns."

Not necessarily, Kingers. As with influenza, medical science has long given up in its battle against the common hangover, but it is certainly possible to outrun one... to put the hangover off, that is, in your waking state so that the brunt of its force is bore by a future (and hopefully sleeping) iteration of your being. But then, of course, this is more art than science.

Most slobs, when confronted with conscious suffering, will recite the half-axiom,"hair of the dog," and then take a beer from your fridge or (more desperately) pilgrim over to the bar for a more complicated drink. This is the coward's way out... one that mistakes surrender for victory and cedes too much territory in the process. The game here is to salvage as many useful hours as possible, not replace useless with more useless.

Your first move during the hangover pre-dawn is to eat a dill pickle--any brand, preferably quartered (a whole one leads to nausea). This replenishes the system with essential salts and buys you valuable planning time. If you have any multivitamins or vitamin B supplements, now is the time to eat them. This wont help you any time soon but is a vital component to your "long game." If you have Ibuprofen, take two with plenty of water. By now, your eyes have uncrossed; read the drug's "Instructions for Use" carefully.... the alcohol warning will fortify your will against the "hand steadier" which inevitably tempts.

The drugs should take about half an hour to kick in. This is also the approximate capacity of a typical water heater: exhaust it with a shower. Finish with a blast of cold water to trick your endocrine system into releasing a nice mix of dopamine and adrenaline. Next you'll want to acquire a fairly substantial dose of caffeine. If you were smoking last night (a fact that is almost guaranteed by your present condition) start out with tea... it will do wonders for your throat...  then move on to coffee.

During this period, you'll also want to engage in some mild exercise to maintain the illusion of normalcy among your internals. I recommend a bike ride. If there is a coffee shop nearby, pedal lightly to it... order a cup, drink it, pedal back. If you put the water on before you leave, you can have hot tea waiting for when you return. Continue this routine (tea, bike, coffee, bike) for about four hours or until the Ibuprofen wears off. This should be about the time you begin to feel the invigorating effects of the multivitamin take hold. Coincidentally, this is also about when, medically and socially speaking, it is acceptable for you and your liver to drink again. Go meet some girls at the bar and drink responsibly until it's time for bed. Enjoy.